this love has got no ceiling

'When you consider McCandless from my perspective, you quickly see that what he did wasn't even particularly daring, just stupid, tragic and inconsiderate. First off, he spent very little time learning how to actually live in the wild. He arrived at the Stampede Trail without even a map of the area. If he had a good map he could have walked out of his predicament using one of several routes that could have been successful. Consider where he died. An abandoned bus. How did it get there? On a trail. If the bus could get into the place where it died, why couldn't McCandless get out of the place where he died?'
--Alaskan Park Ranger Peter Christian

"There are no blank spaces left on any map.If you want to really get out there, you have to leave the map behind."
--Jon Krakauer, paraphrased from the Sundance Channel series Iconoclasts

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." --Christopher McCandless

First, I think Peter Christian is a wanker. Yeah, I know, attack the position and not the person, yadda yadda. Well, I think Peter Christian's musings on Christopher McCandless' choices are wanker worthy.

I've been blogging (in my head) about "Into the Wild" (the movie) for two solids weeks now. More than that, even. S. and I saw it the day after Thanksgiving at 11 a.m.--there was barely a soul in the theater. I was mesmerized. The cinematography was stunning--and I'm not just talking the Alaska footage. I loved the South Dakota shots, the color of the wheat, Emile Hirsch (who plays Christopher McCandless)learning to ride a tractor with Vince Vaughan by his side. And the music...can we say Eddie Vedder? Wrap this film up to go. I need to keep it in my pocket for the rest of my life.

Fuck all the bullshit I've read about how the movie is too long or it's one big Sean Penn-ism...I even read one reviewer who thought the movie needed "more F-16's." Niiiiice. Gotta have the violence because actually FEELING something REAL is too much. Sean Penn may be a lot of things, and he may have acted like a total horse's ass for years, but I'll give him this: he's not afraid of emotion. Hard emotion. He's not afraid to court danger, not afraid to be reduced to a sobbing mess by what amounts to a story of courage, strength, hubris and love. Remember people: It's all about love. "When you forgive, you love." (Ron Franz, from the movie)

Ah, but for some it's about stupidity. For some it's about the basic inability to understand why the fuck anyone in his right mind would burn all identification and money and set out alone, mapless, into the wilds of Alaska. I've read that the abusive McCandless family environment depicted in the film was more exaggerated than the real thing. We'll never really know. I think Penn chose to emphasize what Chris was running from so that the average person could hang their hat on a REASON why Chris disappeared. After all, no sane person would ever do what he did, right? He had to be a little touched, damaged goods, forced to reject the world because the world handed him an abusive, greed-and-status-driven family. We just can't wrap our heads around the fact that abandoning all convention was a CHOICE.

From the time the book, Into the Wild, hit bookstores to the time the film version was released, more than a decade had passed. Then one day Walt McCandless calls Jon Krakauer and says "Okay, we're ready to make the movie." Krakauer calls Penn, asks if he's still interested. Without hesitation (or, according to Krakauer, after a three second pregnant pause), Penn says Yes.

The film took two years to shoot. Penn was determined to remain true to the route McCandless took, which is probably one of the reasons for the film's length. I never thought there was too much detail, however...it seemed like we needed all the pieces Penn included in order to put the puzzle of McCandless' life together. The film is, after all, a character-driven drama, and the people Chris encounters along his journey shaped the person he was to become, almost as much as his family history shaped the person he was before setting out. Almost.

I'm not really here to dissect the details of the movie, however. What I want to put into words, if I can, is how much of an impact the movie had on me. I can say, honestly, that it changed my life a little. It made me want to be a better person. I feel more compelled to risk, to take chances, even if everything (or everyone) says No, don't do that. Setting off without a map was deliberate on the part of McCandless, and though many may think that this "stupid" move was what killed him--it very well might have been--I refuse to give in to the notion that he died in vain. Most likely he died in pain, but his death is one small chapter in a much larger story. Death is inevitable. Self-discovery isn't.

Rejection of capitalism, a hatred of convention--I think this was a part of Chris' thinking but I don't believe it was a motivating force. He seemed most interested in feeling as deeply as he could, challenging himself both physically and mentally and damn anything that got in his way. Like art, it's not about the end result, it's about the process. We all die. But will we die with the knowledge that we put our dreams within our sights and then went for it? Will we leave this life fearlessly, certain that we plunged the very depths of darkness and pain, will we find peace in the heart's truth that we experienced pure ecstasy and joy? So many scenes from the film float in my brain daily, but one comes into view more than others: Alexander Supertramp watches a herd of caribou run through the snow, their majestic-ness overwhelms him, and we see his eyes well with tears even as his face is lit with a shit-eating grin. I too have been so moved by the natural order of things that I've wept. I too have seen a sun rise behind massive mountain peaks with my mouth hanging open in wonder; I've watched a moose drink from a river; I've seen coyotes cross a barren snow covered butte, their collective breath gathering above like clouds--and I have experienced overwhleming humilty and gratitude.

I love what Christopher McCandlessw dared to do, how he did it. I don't idealize him; I find his story tragic and incredibly sad, but also uplifting. I honor his memory and salute his courage and accept his fallibility. He epitomizes human frailty.


"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless

"...the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head..."
— Bear Meat by Primo Levi

"I knew all the rules/but the rules did not know me/guaranteed..."
-Eddie Vedder

Be at peace, Christopher. We hear you.