lately, i've been thinking

yeah, I've been thinking about the difficulty or effort involved in weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight. I've been asking myself which is harder, living this way, or slipping back to the old ways and going that route. I'd have to say the latter, though the perceived difficulty of not paying attention seems to be nil. But it isn't.

to my mind at least, life is less of a struggle right now. Sure, there's the paying attention, the not slipping up, the constant weighing of options, the striving to find healthy routine-- there's all of that. But it's ultimately energizing. When I go back to not paying attention, to doing what (I think) I want, there's this way that my core energy is slowly depleted, this way where I move further away from some sense of essential self. There's also that shit where my clothes don't fit and I feel (for lack of a better word) useless.

i'm thinking and writing this because i need a reminder, because after losing much of my sense of routine, i've gotten ungrounded, and now, in the process of trying to get all of that back, i've had to remember what comes with it.

it's a whole lotta intangibles really. Sure there's feeling better in my (few) clothes-- but to call it better is understatement. I don't just feel better, I feel Stiner.

More Stiner.