old tricks*new tricks

lately I've felt this struggle to feel grounded. methinks this comes from

a) packing up and preparing to move
b) pondering how I will pay my part of our new and essentially doubled rent
c) getting to that point in the quarter when a whole lotta stuff is due

At least those are the factors that I can identify. No doubt, there are others, that if I had the time to stew awhile, I could find.

So this struggle to feel grounded has brought me face to face with the way in which sticking some food in my mouth soothes me. It's not a conscious decision, as in "I think I will eat this piece of cheese in order to soothe my frazzled nerves." If that were the case, it might be a bit like popping a pill. Take two ounces of cheese and call me in the morning. The dosing, it's not finite. It's more like this open-ended thing, as in bite and chew until you feel better. That's dangerous, because sometimes you don't feel better, and there you sit with an empty bag of whatever, staring down at salty/sugary (choose one) rubble with a sinking feeling that nothing will help.

So I work on trying to identify when this dosing is about to occur. So I try to stop myself, to drink water to give myself the sense of satiety that brings me back to my inherent right to be, to that sometimes elusive sense that everything will, indeed, be alright.

And this morning, after identifying that I have, of late, felt ungrounded, I'm pooling my resources and thinking of the things that work. I'm almost to the point of being able to ride again-- that will be a phenomenal help. Stretching helps. Sitting in silence-- even if it's only a few minutes worth-- that helps, too. So that's what I'm gonna do, and I'm gonna come to a different kind of fullness there.