baby you can tie my knot

oh holy shit and shebang, I'm getting married.

If you, dear reader, knew me better, you would know that this particular life landmark was not predicted for me. more to the point, I never seemed the marrying kind. I've always been a bit hard to tie down, the consummate flirt, the one who was looking around the next corner while others were content to settle in place. My restlessness was like a fever, and I spent an inordinate amount of time soothing my own brow, seeking too-easy-to-come-by adoration, moving moving moving. It wasn't until I grew too weary and too sick to move anymore that I realized a large part of my restlessness was just another manifestation of my lifelong battle with depression.

Now, years after popping that first SSRI, I can look back and see, quite clearly, how it was inevitable that my long ride on a wicked pitch of emotional intensity conjoined with my inability to be still was going to kill me young. I never thought I'd say this, but thank god for pharmaceuticals.

Anyhow, the marriage thing. There's that little glitch, the fact that I'm not hetero, and thus myself and my p'ner of 8 1/2 years have to high tail it to Canada in order to legally marry. At least we'll be in North America, right? I'm not going to go into my diatribe about civil rights (and the lack thereof) for GLBT folks who wish to marry the loves of their lives...I'll just say that we didn't want a "commitment ceremony" because it seemed like it would just be going through the motions (not to dis anyone who choses that route, of course--after all, it's not like this country gives you a choice)--we wanted it to be LEGAL, even if it was in another country.

So we leave next Friday for 16 days of hot springs, Montana skies, canoeing in the Kootenays, wedded bliss, laughter with our closest friends, love love and love. I have nothing to wear. I think I've put it off because I don't want to go through the grueling process of trying on outfit after outfit only to be disappointed by my reflection AND the "finding nothing that fits". Granted, I'm 14 lbs lighter than I was five months ago. It doesn't seem like much, but it feels like a lot. I've been hovering at the same weight for quite some time now, but that's okay. Or at least I'm telling myself it's okay. I don't have it in me right now to navigate all the deadlines and all the wedding planning and all the nerves AND count points like a good Weight Watcher. I trust that I will return from our trip north and jump back into it 100%, but for now I'm just on the periphery, reading the daily thread, keeping track of the ROAR'ers progress and cheering them on in my head.

If any of you ever read this, don't let me disappear. You have permission to hold me accountable. Give me this one reprieve and let me get married and honeymoon and then I will return to your company. If I don't, come find me. I'm probably hiding under a giant tortilla chip, licking the underside with pure abandon. Yeah Stine, SALT. I hear ya. Scoot over so I can join you in some grounding...