on waiting

I did a strange thing this morning and stepped on the scale sans constitutional, after a day of salty food and SURPRISE! the scale had me up like three pounds, which of course, is cause for reflection*.

this has not been a stellar week. not a horrible one, but not the kind that gets you to your goal weight. It's a weird thing, the pressure to achieve the NUMBER. It's naggy, like not getting there is a great failure (and yet how many weeks of not getting there does it take to get there?), a reason to fall in a heaving heap on the floor.

So the week has had certain extravagances (snacking while catering,ouzo, baklava), which are part of life. And there's this thing with people like me, where we don't trust ourselves to ever recover from extravagance, and rather, we believe that it will steal our souls ala Invasion of the Body Snatchers and we will become extravagance itself, and extravagance is synonymous with losing all sense of control and self respect and it means gaining weight, yadda yadda yadda.

And here I sit. I've had my oatmeal and some coffee (with 1/2 1/2), and today is a normal day. Or, it will be a normal day if I treat it as such and don't go into some weird scarcity thing, trying to compensate for the extravagances of earlier this week. Life happens. I've had such a run of losses that I've gotten a bit cocky, and also I've developed this sense that it's supposed to happen like that. Nevermind that this has never been my experience in past attempts. Nevermind that I'm already at a weight that I find quite satisfactory. It's about the GOAL, dammit.

Here I will say that achieving my goal is important as an exercise in self-respect and sticktoitiveness, which as I've noted earlier, is not my strong suit. So I'm not gonna throw my hands up in the air and say

Awwwwww, fuck it!

because I'm trying not to throw my hands up in the air anymore, unless of course, I'm on a rollercoaster (say what?) or at a professional sporting event wherein I am called upon to do my duty and participate in doing the WAVE. Do note that we sometimes do the WAVE on the line at school, too. As for the "AFI" bit, I still reserve my right to use profanity, but in more of an up-beat, positive, up-with-people kind of way, as in Should I buy myself a new pair of pants? Oh, I might not have quite enough money...AFI! I deserve some new clothes! Something like that.

so now I'm heading out into my day. Here I go.

* methinks the real reflection might be best spent on why I felt the need to step on the scale a day early. Perhaps that's the blog that's going in the back of my mind right now...