falling back now

It wouldn't be the first time the word BALANCE has graced ol' CTF bloggo, but here it is again, 2009-style. It's the 25th of January and I've been sick half of those days...first it was a wicked stomach flu, and now I'm down with bronchitis. So what, pray tell, does my being continally ill have to do with balance? Everything.

I am not a woman who does well with resolutions, because I don't like being held accountable for things that I'm not convinced I want follow through on long term. Better to let the wishes pile up in my gut until I'm forced to scrape the top off, pick one or two things to work on, and keep the rest stuffed deep. Better not to verbalize my intense desire to Behave/Move/Create in a new way. One problem: This is no longer working.

See, counterintuitive behaviors, it appears, are eating me alive. I'm not taking good enough care of myself because I resent having to CARE. I can be such a petulant adolescent when it comes to making good (healthier) choices. Really, I'm not as bad as I make it sound...most of the time I DO make good choices, but when I make bad ones--like last Monday's day of debauchery in Colorado Springs--I pay for them. Then again, it's not fair for me to blame myself for getting this sick. Bronchitis happens. It may have happened regardless of my smoking a side of pig in my lungs. But eventually, I have to take responsibility for my well-being--I have to WANT to live differently, and not allow myself to fall into the same patterns of "fun" or "crisis-dealing."

So here's what I resolve: a break. For this body. A break from things that aren't beneficial to the whole. I resolve to give myself time to be gentle and thoughtful and to FEEL my body as it is NOW. After all, I spend a good deal of time being the opposite of all of those things. In many ways, this is like going to a country where I don't speak the language and know nary a soul. The language part is true; the knowing no one who can show me around the place, not so true. I need to reach out to the people who are on the side of health and well-being. I know who they are. They know who they are. It's like I'm on an office retreat and we're on Day 3 when we tromp into the woods for our Trust Exercises, and I'm standing on the short edge of a picnic table. Below me, a group of women wait with their arms stretched before them, laced together to form a net that will catch me as I fall back. The sun is filtering through the canopy of trees, and I can see sky and clouds beyond. I am falling back now. I am trusting the strength of those arms, and my own head.