ready for a comeback?

I'm having a little struggle re-entering this atmosphere. I'm already thinking about calling in sick again tomorrow, but I don't know that it will help me. I really don't want to go back to my job , but I have to for now.

I'm also working on returning to the land of self-care and attentiveness-- a place I haven't been for months. I've written down my food intake for the past two days, noted the spots where I waggled a bit, and even made a point of telling myself what the good choices were. So this is day two of that, and I feel like the ol' junkie at detox, but I've been here before, so I know I'll make it through.

The comeback, the turnaround, it's not about New Year's Resolutions. It's about trying to get my life back, to come up for air, to seek some reconnection of my physical and spiritual selves because the roles seem have become reversed over the past while (years?months?)

AS IN
I used to rely on my optimism and high spirits to pull myself along in terms of weightloss-- keeping/having a sunny demeanor helped me make good food choices, helped me keep the weight off, helped me stay engaged in my journey.

Having fallen into this very deep, dark, depressed state, I haven't been able to find the old tools to keep me motivated. In fact, I really haven't cared. So now I'm looking at trying to find those healthy choices and places from some other angle-- from the barest sense that nurturing my body (with sensible food and exercise) will nurture my spirit. Right now it feels like an effort to stay alive, to survive and revive by reminding my body of who it is under the care of a happier, more mentally available person.

This may not make much sense right now, and I'm struggling to find a way to describe it. It's not so much that I think I can somehow trick my mind and spirit with clean living-- but the cleaner living feels like an act of respect-- an acknowledgment that right now I need all the help I can get to wake back up, to stay alive by valuing my life, my body, the vessel that houses what has become a very tired, weak, struggling soul. So, just as I wouldn't misfeed a sick friend in the hospital, I'm working to have the same intention with myself as I try to regain my spiritual strength and mental health.

Maybe it's the jet-lag that's making this so hard to articulate.