this skin

I got tired of seeing the word MOTHER on the blog, so I'm gonna write something to
p-u-s-h it down the page.

But first the report: Mom is doing fine, there's no "new" news, only that she has to watch her BP (which has always been low) and get lots of rest. She seems frustrated that there are no specifics that shed some light on what happened to her, but she's now seen her MD of 35 years and he seemed to make her feel a little more...calm. So that's good.

Barring anything else (bad/scary/life-shattering) happening, I am not driving 22 hours to Ohio anytime soon.

I wasn't at work on Monday because I felt like shit. My body seems to be on a continual rollercoaster and I want to GET OFF. Besides fighting another sinus infection, I've been battling a bad flare up of my hyrendiatis supperativa and this time its in the crack of my ass.

I don't mean to sound glib here...this condition is extremely painful and inhibits movement like nobody's business. And I don't really have a wound in the crack of my ass...I actually have it in the crease where the leg and ass come together. These wounds (more like boils that can range from pea sized to marbles to golf balls to--I do not exaggerate--softballs) are progeny of the Staphylococcus bacteria, and for them there is no cure. I treat them topically (with antibiotics), internally (with antibiotics) and use Hibiclens to keep my skin as free of bacteria as possible, but the outbreaks persist. They are worse around my menses and exacerbated by heat, excess weight, non-cotton fabrics (like I have a bunch of 100% cotton work clothes lying around) and stress.

I could barely sit down for two days. Everytime I moved I winced. I felt like a walking gauze bandage. Thankfully I have a dear friend who also suffers from this condition, so I don't feel so alone in it...and when I say "it makes me feel ugly and disgusting" she counters with "I know, but you're not ugly...you're beautiful," which may sound obvious and simplistic, but in those moments it's like I'm in 40 foot swells and someone just threw me a life raft.

Exercise was out of the question until my wounds healed. The problem with these nasties, however, is that the body's natural tendency to stem the bleeding by closing the wound doesn't allow for the infection to drain completely, so the infection never really goes away. Surgery is the only option for the areas where the wounds keep coming back...and they do, relentlessly..because you have to remove the entire gland. When a gland is removed, the wound is packed so that the skin won't come back together before complete healing--from the inside out--can occur. It may be time for me to go under the knife -- there are spots in my groin area that flare up, drain, flare up, drain...and never truly heal. I have active infection in my body 24/7, and have for 18 years.

We all have our burdens, right? My mom has a ticking time bomb in her head, and she knows it, but what's the woman to do? Stop living her life? My father has two fake knees and more of a relationship with food & booze than he does with his youngest daughter. Cry me a river, right?

This is one of the biggest problems I have. Right here. Allowing myself to just BE--sick, vulnerable, pissed off. I always feel like I'm faking something, like I'm being inauthentic, or I should just pipe down and count my blessings. It's far too easy for me to retreat to a place of "I have nothing to whine about...at least I don't have (insert potentially deadly disease here)" because then I don't have to VALIDATE the REALITIES of my EXISTENCE. Embedded deep in that "at least I'm not..." rationale, hidden from view, is the kid who was never believed, the one who was never protected. And that kid grew into a woman who mistrusts her emotional states and tolerates high levels of pain and isn't convinced, to be honest, that all these maladies and all this emotional upheaval isn't the result of past mistakes come calling for justice. But that's bullshit too. See how it spins? See how it catches the light in just the right way, deflecting attention elsewhere? When what should really happen is I should give myself a break--LEARN this skill--for once and for all. Anyone have the manual that explains, in great detail, how such a thing is done?