somewhat of a part deux

Rereading yesterday's post, I thought I should at least say this: What I wrote was an observation. Not an easy one, or one I'm proud of, but something that I needed to voice nonetheless. For me, what it comes down to is personal accountability, and not blaming my parents/family of origin for any and all of my "issues" while also identifying/validating the common thread that wove throughout Amy's narrative and made its way into my brain.

I could not shake her story. I could not shake my REACTION to her story. Now, with a couple days reflection, I still see the similarities, but I see the differences too. The biggest one: I do not surround myself with people who enable me. My closest friends, the ones whose opinions I most value, call me on my shit. I have little doubt that if any of them thought I was sleeping with a man just to get money for drugs, they'd kick my ass and THEN get me help. I would not be left alone.

Blaming everyone else for my shortcomings is something I did in high school and my early 20's. It's easy to do, and I certainly have plenty of evidence to support such claims, if I really want to go the pity route. But what I really want--what matters most to me--is to find the place of forgiveness within myself that allows me to then believe wholly in my own self-worth. And to do that with my eyes wide open and no bullshit tinging my interactions, I have to look at some ugly shit. And own it. And throw some of it away. And curl up, under soft blankets, and rest. Rest.