Chapter 1(g)

I went to the gym today. I think this is the fourth time I've gone since the end of May, 2007. I did 25 minutes on the elliptical then some work on the exercise ball. I stretched for a looooong time, because my knee has been acting up and I do not want to sustain an injury before I even get back to regular exercise. I weighed myself after I worked out. I am not going to say what the number was because it's too disturbing to write here. I looked at my naked body in a full length mirror after weighing myself. I said, over and over, you're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

I am determined to believe this, no matter what the scale says. I have to override years of negative self-talk in order to make this mantra stick. Admittedly, it was hard to be in the gym today, hard to admit that I was starting over again. But I also think that there's a very real possibility that this time will be different. At least 15 lbs. of this weight piled on in the past year, when I was unable to be active and puffing medical marijuana on a regular basis just to control my nausea and dizziness. The sweet green and weight loss do not mix...don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Chemistry shemistry. It's one of the miracles of THC, this bottomless pits that open up in the gut a short time after ingestion, and it's great for people who need to gain/keep weight ON, but not so much for those who want to take weight OFF. Oh DAMN.

So there are all these hurdles that I have to overcome; some are old old old, cracked in places, a little wobbly and in need of paint. Others are new, red-striped, and they look shiny and welcoming from far away. They seem to say "It's not a problem to leap over this! Really!" I know better. Losing weight is a BITCH, people. But I've got a plan. I'm beautiful, and I can do this. I'm beautiful and I can do this. I'm beautiful, and I'm running hard, into the wind, into the sun.