there is no there there

I'm still working on understanding this whole maintenance thing, or rather, my relationship to it.

I woke up early this morning and asked myself why I felt so unsettled. I realized that I've been a bit stressed out about weight loss/maintenance, like I'm fighting this losing battle. Part of it stems from the fact that I decided to lose 5 more pounds, and that hasn't happened. In fact, I've been within 2 pounds of my goal weight ever since I made goal (whenever that was). This is an achievement. But the part of me that likes the idea of weighing 165 is not happy. So I'm having to look at that and ask myself if that target is a realistic goal. There's a concept: realistic rather than idealistic.

I work with food. I love love love love love food. I will always have to make my decisions carefully in this arena. I'm getting used to that.

I exercise. Alot. Each of the past two days went something like this: 45 minute moderate-brisk/strenuous ride to work, 9 hours line cooking (standing, reaching, crouching, lifting, twirling [really] in that "busy little beehive of a kitchen"[direct quote of a customer]), 45 minute moderate-brisk/strenuous ride home. The other days I work aren't much different, save for a slightly shorter ride in.

So I've gotten to wondering why I'm not still losing. And, when I consider it, I don't know that I like the idea that I require all this exercise to maintain a healthy weight. Maybe that's because maintaining this much exercise also requires eating, and, well, could eating make me nervous?

The last thing I can afford to do is undereat. It makes working horrible, and bicycle commuting even worse. So It's a matter of making sure I get enough fuel without worrying that I'm not OP, or following a plan. And I want the pleasure of food, too. I don't wanna freak out about eating a banana (the best bike fuel I know) because it's 2 whole points, and what if I run out at the end of the day. See, I can get a little punitive, I can run my world on a scarcity model. But here's the deal-- if I keep the exercise up, I don't have to punish myself for (most of) my gastronomical desires. I also don't have to turn exercise into this evil, unenjoyable "food pass" program, either.

Oh, my. I'm still working this out. I'm still trying to find my way, to get where this all feels normalized, like it's just what I do. Only, maybe it'll always be what I think to do.