everybody's smoking and no one's getting high

I'll admit it. I had this idea that maintenance was gonna be easier than it seems to be. I mean, I thought I'd somehow have this base from which to operate, a kind of steady framework that--- oh, wait a minute, I thought I'd have an autopilot, that's what I thought. So here I am, and it feels like working without losing, and I might just have to stick my thumb in my mouth (thumb! a zero-point food!) and cry. Maybe it's because I can't identify any reward from staying (more, or less) the same every week. I know that good health and energy and all that count, but at this point, I must fess up to being more tied into my quantitative nature than I'd like to admit.

I want stuff. I want numbers, sliding. I want results.

And maybe I don't see them. That's entirely possible. It's just that I thought this would be, well, more harmonious. I thought it would feel different. Now let me back up and say that I do feel different than I did a year ago. I feel much better. I guess I thought that there would be an overall "rightness" to everything I do, but that isn't here (or at least not this month). I still have to think about what I put in my mouth. I still have to make sure I get enough exercise to balance the stuff that goes into said mouth. I suppose that this is actually a normal state of affairs for most people who are trying to maintain a healthy weight, and seeing as I have never really maintained a healthy weight, my surprise is really no, uh, surprise.

But I still feel surprise at figuring this out. Wah! I'm a little shocked, despite my intellect.

So how to reframe this? How to make this work? How to somehow etch this ledger of ins and outs deep into my consciousness, how to work it into my routine in a meaningful and positive manner?

How?