enough

I annoy myself the most, you know.

Feels like the spell is broken, or at least cracked. I had this epiphany yesterday about this whole marriage/family/weight thing, a moment in which all issues aligned and I was able see myself clearly for the first time in many many days. What I'm feeling now, what I have been experiencing during this dark time is OLD OLD OLD, meaning young young young, and of course I would revert back to tried and true behaviours that work, or so I like to believe. Eat, smoke, drink, write, smoke some more, sip, exhale, scratch out a line, then two, let your fingers do the talking. I spent a good part of Sunday writing, and now, looking back at lines I penned just 48 hours ago, I can clearly see the adolescent pain and rage bleeding on to the page. Good. I'll leave it to stop on its own. No one will tell me that what I have chosen-whom I have chosen-is not good and right and perfect. No one.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=354057227367687976

I think it's time to start calling my father by his first name. He hates that.