(do not question) the scale goddess

My little mind games continue. Temporarily.

I tried, however, to put them to rest once and for all this morning...I thought, "this waiting to weigh myself shit is ridiculous" and grabbed a 9v battery from the desk drawer, tromped to the basement and put a new battery in the scale. Turned it over, put it on the hard cement, closed my eyes and said a prayer. "May I take this information and use it as a baseline, not a bat with which I beat myself," or something along those lines. The scale flashed 0 then stayed 0. I took a big breath, stepped on. Nothing. 0 stared me down. I turned the scale over, read the directions again. Took the battery out, put it back in. Scale to floor. This time nothing. No 0. Stepped on, then off, which is what the directions said would calibrate the scale. Nothing.

What the fu...? I mean really, am I not meant to weigh myself yet? The scale goddess says no. I guess I'll listen, for now. And get myself a new scale. Maybe this time I won't relegate it to the bowels of the basement. I think the broken scale lost all hope, just I did all those months struggling with VN. Goodbye old scale. I hardly knew ye.

last night

Somewhat out of the blue, I turned to S. and asked:

"What's one thing I can do to make your life better?"

S: "Forever or just this moment?"

M: "Forever."

S: "Love yourself."

She didn't skip a beat. My heart, however, did.

we're half awake in a fake empire*

I took the photo above somewhere in Kansas. The light is a vortex into which I'd like to dance.

Listening to "Boxer," the most recent release from The National. (*The title of this blog is from the chorus to the first track on the record, "Fake Empire"--you can see them perform it live on Letterman by clicking the link below.) Fascinating record...one that demands listen after listen. It grows on you, creeps into your brain waves. Reminds me a little of a cross between (accessible-er) Radiohead, early New Order, Echo & the Bunnymen and any other alt-dreamy band you loved in 1990. But better. Moody, ethereal (as songs can be), lyrically stronger than most bands out there, as in:

"You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends
when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights
arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under
oh you wouldn’t want an angel watching over
surprise, surprise they wouldn’t wannna watch
another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults..."

Hell yeah we're unmagnificent! You can check out The National here:
href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBujZr20O6M">


I haven't eaten enough today and I have to get a handle on this "eat too little during the day, pig out at night" thing. Seems like I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I'm doing okay --great actually--with my emotional eating, as in, I don't look to food for comfort these days. That's a victory. But I need to learn to feed my body what it needs consistently. Better planning is in order, I think.

*newsflash* S. has decided that we need to do a cleanse. (My question: Where is my wife and when will she return??!) She got turned onto Perfect Cleanse by a friend who did it and said it was amazing...we were supposed to start last Friday but I could NOT add one more thing to my regimen of pills and eyedrops and food journaling and and and so I asked that we wait a week. She was fine with it. But still, I'm worried...is this the right time? Am I asking for trouble? Removing toxins from my body can't be a bad thing, right? The fact that this was S.'s idea makes me feel like I have to JUMP on it now, before she loses momentum. Gots to enter that window while it's open a crack, you know?

epic proportions

A grocery list of maladies:

-VN, symptoms returned
-recurring iritis
-10 visits to the dentist (I do not exaggerate) in the past 12 weeks, resulting in three fillings, one inlay, all of it on the left side of my mouth, which has ached for a week straight (since I got the inlay put in post-holiday trip)--and yes, I've been back to correct a high filling, but still it aches.
-obesity (might as well add it to the list)
-depression born from the usual stuff but exacerbated by aforementioned maladies and the sense that I am growing old way before my time

Yesterday I went in to the office early and cranked out a ton of work. By 3:00 I was so dizzy I had to lean my head against the bathroom stall so I could balance myself enough to zip up my pants. Around 3:30 I started feeling nauseous and thought to myself "shit, am I getting that stomach flu that's going around?" but then it hit me: the VN was back with a vengence. I hadn't felt symptoms like that since early November. I left work at 4:00, made it to my friend's shop which is about a mile or so from the law school, and around 6 p.m. called S. to come and get me. I didn't think driving was the best idea.

So now I know that this nightmare is far from over. I know that I have to get back on the PT train and keep working my brain muscle, help it figure out all the compensating it has to do for a nerve that lay limp and useless in my head. My level of frustration around illness has reached epic proportions. Last night, driving home with S., I said "it's as if my body doesn't know how to be well...and it's never just ONE thing that I suffer from, but a series of things, and it's been like that ever since I was a child, ever since I can remember. Now THAT'S a book."

Oh great, more fodder for writing, just what I need when writing is what seems to be kicking my ass in the first place.

Holding patterns. Stasis. My reserves running dangerously low.

raven us (an ode to See's Candies)

1:30 pm on a Tuesday. There should be a song:

1:30 pm on a Tuesday
I'm writing my work life away
thinking about how I'm gonna make it
through another hungry day

Stomach says feed me, mind says no
any moment now the lid's gonna blow
off the 2 pound box of chocolates
some well meaning coworker bestowed
on me

Stine says to sit on it
but then I couldn't type
it's deep in the drawer behind me
and calling for some light

1:40 pm on a Tuesday
I'm blogging my hunger away
Herbal tea and almonds
apricots and pears
not sure how long this
resolve's gonna stay

There's lipstick on my mug
spelt pretzels in the drawer
I'm hoping for an end to this
fucked up untoward war

If Huckabee can do it, then fuckin' a,
I've got to get a handle on something today
I'll refill the teapot
Go take a walk &
Hope for the forward hope
that witnesses my frayed

Nerves this afternoon on a Tuesday
I'm calling in all bets
I'd rather hear my stomach roar
then eat more chocolate

Stiney says to sit on it
and that's close to what I'll do,
I'll put the box in the break room
for my co-workers to snorfle and chew.

(and.......cut)

Snorfle? O how I love language.

a funny thing happened on the ride home from work today

Okay, so I was riding along, and I was thinking about resolutions again ( a guy at work had asked if I'd made any), and I was thinking about my own internal phrasing when I make resolutions, how it gets kind of whiny, like

I need to stop eating fried food (just an example, really. not that I'd ever say that to myself, nope!).

So then I went to thinking (pedaling all the the while) about Needs and Wants, and after quickly blipping onto how the internal phrasing would sound with I want to, I wondered how Needing versus Wanting affects the overall sense of a personal, even private, goal.

I'm gonna interject some Stinestory here. My own issues with Needing /Wanting are deeply complicated, but they go something like this. I had a messed up childhood wherein a lot of basic needs weren't met. I learned not to need much. I also learned not to want much. That came from feeling like wanting and needing never really got me anywhere. Through the miracle of therapy (Yay, Therapy!) wherein I learned to want, I gained a bit of insight. I'm still learning, as in today, when I thought about my own perceptions of the power of my needs/wants, the tone they take (spoken by me to me); how they work (or not) to sway my actions, behaviors, beliefs.

Also the nagging need, it sometimes feels/sounds like obligation.

I need to lose weight.

There's often a sense of some external entity-- like the need comes from without, not within. Even if the need is internal, maybe it stems back to some primal sense that needing isn't fun. That's what I'm feeling. Wanting (as scary as that can be) has a better charge to it. It feels more like freedom and possibility-- that's once you get past the scary ass bit of feeling your own desires, sensing that you do, indeed, have a self. Maybe the power's in seeing yourself wanting. In the case of bettering health and wellness, it's not indulgence that wants-- it's passion, lifeforce, qi. It's essence longing to reconnect with essence.

Resolutions, Decrees, Goals, Dreams, Wishes

First, I'm gonna tell you I'm not big on resolutions. It always feels like a set-up, like talking so big you can't deliver-- or something. I think some of this belief o' mine comes from a lack of self-esteem, and a general sense of disbelief in my own capabilities. But there's something about the word resolution that rings a little punitive to me. Not as hollow as a decree, but sometimes a resolution without a strong sense of self and confidence feels like a cartoon decree. (the trumpet blows doot doo da dooooo)

Henceforth I shall only drink my tea with 1% milk, and I shall do it slowly, and I shall consume exactly 35 grams of fiber each day of the week, and that fiber shall be proportionately as follows: 60% vegetable, 20% leguminous...

So this year, I'm feeling different. Instead of ignoring the resolution/decree altogether, I've asked myself what I want to do for me. It feels joyful. The operative phrasing?

I'd like to...

I've never been big on setting goals. I've spent many years struggling to acknowledge my dreams and wishes. I'm kinda tight that way. Maybe it's the fact that this last year blew by me so fast, that I did so little for myself that was truly joyful (and keeping my head above water doesn't really count). So I don't want to do that again, and I've had this revelation that I actually need to make room for not only joy and fun, but the everyday practice that is being good to myself.

Whoa. I can't wait to see what this looks like.