turn and face the strange

Here's what my horoscope this morning had to say:

Fundamental changes

***

Valid during many months: This is an extremely powerful influence, for it represents powerful internal forces for change colliding with powerful resistance from the external world. You are trying to escape the routine, dull and ordinary aspects of your life. You try to find new things that will make your life more exciting and stimulating. But with every effort of this kind, circumstances, duties and obligations seem to hold you back and keep you stuck in an oppressive situation. You may get to a point where the pressure is unbearable, and then you will make a sudden break for freedom. You may suddenly leave a relationship, an oppressive job or your place of residence, without warning anyone. On the other hand, it may be possible to create a balance that enables you to sustain a great deal of tension over a long period of time and accomplish a great many changes in a highly structured way. Tasks of considerable difficulty are often accomplished under this influence, and people make Herculean efforts that would otherwise be impossible for them. Serious study and long-range projects requiring great concentration and effort can be undertaken. Even though this may seem more productive, it really depends upon your situation. Very often a sudden break with what feels like an oppressive situation will clear the air and allow you to make a new and better beginning. On the other hand, it can cost you more than you are willing to pay. But the patient, hard-working manifestation of this energy may create severe mental and physical tensions, even to the point of physical illness. You have to decide what you can handle realistically and determine for yourself the proper course of action. At this time in your life you must make changes at the most fundamental levels. If you do not, in approximately fourteen years the consequences of not making these changes will become very obvious, and you will be confronted with the same issues again under more difficult circumstances.

And then my laptop died. No doubt the first of these many changes.

cleanse, day 4

I believe that without avocados and tahini, I wouldn't be here talking cleanse in the present tense. So I shall keep on keepin' on an get busy with a daikon salad.

I feel...clean.

bah-phooey (in list form)

* Well. That can of veggie soup has actually made me MORE hugry than I was before I ate it! Great.

*Not drinking does a number on the waistline. A good number too, with lovely music. Note to self. For the 10,324th time.

*46 ounces of water down, a kiddie pool to go.

*Munchies suck. I love swedish fish. There are 50 calories in 6 of them. It would take me walking briskly for approximately 13 minutes to burn off those fish. From now on, I will only eat them while walking.

*O'Dell Brewing has a new Red Ale that I am NOT BUYING ANY MORE OF. At least this month.

*My wife is constantly looking at used exercise equipment on Craig's List. I appreciate her thriftiness, but I am not so sure I want someone's cast-off recumbant bike with their sweat-n-DNA forever imprinted on it.

*I've lost the same 10 lbs. four times in 1.7 years.

*I wonder if I ever really "get over" a sinus infection. It's more like I "live with" it, and sometimes it's quiet, and sometimes it rocks out at 2 a.m. and makes me feel like I haven't slept in days. I think I heard it last night, in fact, inflating my right sinus cavity like a balloon.

*Kefir is a killer additive to eggs for quiche. It's also a nice subsitute for full fat greek yogurt when making banana bread. Just do not prepare said bread while on the phone with your mother, or like me, you'll add double the salt and baking powder and your bread will taste like a salt lick.

*I'm stocking the tool box, on the advice of bloggo p'ner. She's very wise, that one. (Green tea check!)

*Lunch over. Boo.

here comes the cleanse

Tomorrow I start the 21 day MediClear cleanse. For some reason I'm far more nervous than last year. Maybe I don't feel ready. Maybe food has been my big emotional lifejacket for the past 6 months or so. Maybe I'm afraid that paying attention will feel like TOO MUCH.

Not sure, really.

I know I need to do this, that I need to return to paying attention, to caring, to taking the time and energy to do something for me. It feels vital, really. So I want to make room, to make space, to have a plan, even. I might go so far as to write down all the things I can eat, just so I don't feel weirded out and desperate, although there's no need, really.

There are plenty of things to eat without GLUTEN, SOY, DAIRY, CORN, TOMATOES, PEANUTS, SHRIMP, COFFEE, TEA, ALCOHOL, EGGS.

I remember this cleanse being the most delightful re-energizing and resetting for me. I know my body is ready for it-- it's just my mishmashed emotions that seem a little wobbly. Some of that comes from having retreated from the I CAN of the past to a very unsure place. And perhaps all it requires is a very deliberate stepping out of one space and back into the other. Will. Nerve. Desire.

Tomorrow I'll start to see where I'm really at.