my big ol' chronic ailment

I just received an email inviting me back to the farm this summer for a one week stint assisting with one of the classes. This means assisting the Chef in the kitchen (and with her son), feeding the chickens, cleaning, cooking and otherwise engaging in the whole process.

My initial response was, Oh, Damn, it's Summer. I'll have to work. But then I paused for a moment and thought about the instant defeat in that. The way that I automatically assumed that I couldn't do it (thanks to an outside source). And so I pondered. I thought about what it might mean for me to let myself want to do this, for me to say Yes, I want to do this, and Yes, I can take the time off.

If you read my other blog, you might have come across this post. It occurs to me that what I've come to resent in some people (and one of the things I can't stand in this person) is their ease of belief. They really do think they can do this or that regardless of whether or not they possess the skill or fortitude or whatever. And then they go off and do things-- even things they might not be so great at. And they do what they want. One of my chief ailments in life seems to be an overriding sense of But I Can't.

And so I don't.

I know that I've overcome some of it in the body/weight loss arena. And riding bikes has done a great deal to boost my sense of physical capability. Where I struggle is in having a sense that I can do what I want, that something bigger won't get in the way. And yes, it's a very old wound that once again is trying to swallow me whole.

Maybe it's all this medical shit that's reminding me just how short life is, and that I shouldn't be wasting time falling asleep on the job (don't worry-- it's only figurative), or not doing what I'm meant to do in the name of great security and playing it safe. There really does have to be more to life. I can feel changes coming again, and once I've made it through this little medical detour, I can explore it all in great depth.

In the meantime, I'm asking for time off smack-diddly-dab in the middle of the summer. So there.