high anxiety and rock-em sock-em psyche robots and stuff

I don't have much going on in my life right now. I know this because this week's w/i felt like a nuisance, like something that could have too much meaning relative to the rest of my life. Or something. Once again, I thought about the fear of a higher (than expected, or desired) number. But I also thought about the way in which this ritual of stepping on the electronic device is a commitment I've made to myself. I've agreed to do this despite the week I've had (any given week), the transgressions or triumphs (any given week). It's a bit of an I LOVE YOU, a way of being this firm, feisty, and loving friend to myself.

Yesterday I was riding home after another long (this time 10 hours, shorthanded) shift, and I felt this bittersweet sense of solitude. Alone time is something I need-- something I sometimes long for, but I need my social connections. I'd thought of stopping by the shop to see if anyone needed a beer, but it was a little too late for that. And so, as I rode up the hill to our 'hood, I also pondered the disappointment of my FOHOless 8/2.

Pondering disappointment is a good thing for me-- it's something I worked hard to learn to do back when I was seeing my therapist in Berkeley. I saw her for about 3 or 4 years, all told, and she saved my life and gave me the tools to enjoy the life before me. I have had moments, over the years, when I've wished I could see her again. But I'm up here, and I had a hard time tracking her down. My friend the internet served me well, and I'm trying to get back in touch with her for a referral to someone up here.

No, I'm not having a meltdown. I'm actually quite solid and stable right now-- and sometimes that's difficult to handle. No crises? No drama? No emergency? Nothing new? That scares me. And I think it scares me because I have to face what I really want, what my soul needs and longs to do. Yeah, so I wanna have a place to find a balance between the part of me that needs to work (for a living, for the benefits, for the pleasure of cooking) and the part that needs to be creative, free, freak-flag-flying. Those two things are often at odds, and it's been my experience that they are highly antagonistic towards each other. Or maybe that's how I make them...