small victories

I drove to work today!! What a victory. I had a shit eating grin on my face the whole time, and had Patty Griffin singing loud as I slowly navigated my way to work. It felt so good to be behind the wheel of my new car, esp. since making a $300 payment this month and not driving. Nothing like paying for something that you can't do.

I'm thinking I might be able to go for a real walk tomorrow too. I've taken some short walks, just a couple of blocks, and I've felt okay, so it's time to test whether of not I can walk for, say, and hour and not feel like I'm going to fall down. It will probably wear me out completely but it will be a good wearing out. I'm just taking it one hour at a time, thanking the blue blue heavens for allowing my recovery to continue.

Yesterday I had lunch with an old coworker who told me, upon hearing about my health saga, "my husband had the same thing!" We talked about how hard it is on the partner of the sick one; how this is one of those illnesses that is so relentless and unpredictable that it's easy to fall into the mindset of "I'm going to have to live this way for the rest of my life," and damn anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, especially those who pull the "be positive!" jive. Yes, it's true, stress exascerbates VN big time, so reducing stress in one's life is one of the keys to recovery, but it's hard not to freak out a bit when you're sick to your stomach all the time and you can't focus on anything and you feel like you're walking on uneven ground. One of the things I've learned is that no amount of blinking will change things. I just have to sit down, chill. I also have to watch my time on a computer, because "the wrong" eye movements can bring on symptoms. I thought I was crazy for awhile there until I found www.dizzytimes.com and realized how many people all over the world have walked in my shoes...the validation helped, but I also read about people who have fought this condition for YEARS. That depressed the hell out of me, so I try not to frequent the site too much.

All in all, though, I think I might be coming out the other side of this tunnel that has been my life since Memorial Day, 2007. My saving grace? Haven't had a drop of alcohol for three weeks, and before that I had two beers, one whiskey. Drinking and VN do not mix. I like how I feel without alcohol in my system. No doubt I'll tip some back again soon, but for now, I'm enjoying my non-drinker status. At least I refrained from ingesting more calories on top of the food I managed to cram into my mouth hole.

(see? that's just the kind of self-deprecating humor I gots to leave behind at some point...)

Onward, straight ahead, steady as she goes...