fear of flying, family and food (in that order)

This time next week I'll be on a plane headed for Ohio. S. and I are going for my mother's 70th birthday celebration, which is on the 26th. We'll be there through the Memorial Day holiday and come back on Tuesday.

I am in the midst of my mental preparations for this trip, which involves several things.

1. I picked up my prescription for xanax so I don't have a massive panic attack on the plane. I do not like to fly. Actually, I like flying so long as no turbulence is involved. If the pilot comes on and says "we're going to ask you all to fasten your seatbelt for a bit here as we have some folks in front of us who've said there's some bumpy air up ahead..." my heart starts beating fast and my palms get sweaty and I feel like I'm going to throw up. We could be sailing smooth for another ten minutes but I'm in this mode wherein I'm waiting for the fucking plane to hit an air pocket and fall 10,000 feet in a millisecond. I'm not scared about what is happening at that moment -- I'm scared about what is going to happen. Anticipatory fear. It's debilitating and I want to get over it. But for now, I'm gonna take drugs and pray that we don't have to fly through any storms.
2. I told my mom that she hurt my feelings when she made her anti-SSRI comment the other day -- I said "if I don't talk about this with you now, nip it in the bud, then I know I'm going to keep turning it 'round and 'round in my head and end up resenting you big time." Mom was actually glad that I brought it up and was apologetic, saying that she was referring to herself and not me...to which I responded "so SSRI's are a-okay for me but not for you??" and then I threw the alcohol card--"funny how I have a father who is adamantly opposed to 'altering brain chemistry' but he drinks every day'" and Mom said "I'd never really thought about it that way before." I thought, but didn't say, bullshit. I know I've made similar analogies before. She doesn't want to think about it that way. She just wants to keep drinking her two, three glasses of wine a night and believe that the effect it has on her is purely coincidental.
3. My uncle and his second wife and her three kids are coming to the birthday bash. I haven't talked with my Uncle (my mother's half-brother, who is 20 years her junior) since he called me from my grandmother's apartment drunk last year. I do not like drunk dialers, as a rule, and I certainly didn't appreciate the fact that he was calling me at midnight EST while his 95 year old mother sat nearby, laughing nervously at her wasted son who'd managed to finish a half a bottle of scotch in about two hours. He was only in town for two days and hadn't been to see his mother in FOUR YEARS but he still thought the best use of his time was to booze it up and then call his neice in Denver. I am sure that he'll be boozing it up again at Mom's party...I don't mind the drinking per se, but I very much mind the drinking too much. S. and I have a code word so if it gets bad, we're leaving, plain and simple.
4. My cousin N. and her hubby C. will be at the party--they're driving in from Tennessee. I like N., but she's a hard core Christian (as is most of my entire family, extended and immediate) and I was not appreciative of what she wrote in the guest book at our wedding album last October: "We need not understand to love, but love we do." Fuckin' homophobe. I've got to steel myself for any sidelong glances made while I'm making out with S. :)
5. My brother has now managed to piss off two more members of our family because of his stupid tendency to call us when he's exercising. My sister recently hung up on him because he said something that pissed her off AND he was huffing and puffing the whole time. When he called back later, though, my sister blew it off, said she had to hang up fast because someone came into her office. "I didn't want to deal with it," she said. And therein is one of the biggest problems with my family: we lie to one another so as not to "make waves." It's ridiculous, and it breeds mistrust and misunderstandings.
6. Menu planning for this party began weeks ago. There will be enough food and drink to feed the neighborhood. We will be like gluttons, gorging ourselves in the name of celebration and togetherness. I will feel a need to walk miles every day just to stave off the feeling that I'm taking on the physical characteristics of a hippo. I will refrain from too much wine, too much gin, too much bread, too much cheese, too much too much too much. I will do my damndest to be present and watch what I (thoughtlessly) put in my mouth. I will not succumb to food as comfort, food as feeling-stuffer, food as longest dearest friend come to save me from innate, overwhelming dysfunction.
7. I haven't decided if I'm sending myself a little package o safety yet. I know I'll want it, but there's always the risk...and what if I tried to go without, just this once? I mean, hell, I've got xanax.
8. I've made a promise to myself that I will not appear gleeful when the subject of Jerry Falwell's passing comes up. (An inevitability.)
9. I don't HAVE to counsel my mother. There are therapists for that.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but I still have a whole week to figure out what that is. Right now I'm going to focus on the upcoming weekend and finishing all of our planting and getting the pet sitter arrangements finalized. I'm going to spend some quality time in the home that I love because it belongs to me and to S. and we have created a haven for ourselves amidst all of the craziness going on in our respective families. I'm going to play with Daisy and pet Cosmo and ground myself in the HERE, in the NOW. Then I'm going to head to Ohio armed with the knowledge that nothing, no one, no words or deed, can take away the beautiful life I have with S. on Vine Street. Oh, and I'm going to mend my armor. I've got a few tears from the last visit that need attention.