be here, now.

last night, after dining on a reasonable portion of portobello, ricotta, and artichoke pizza and sipping a glass of particularly delicious Cotes du Rhone, I realized that I am content with my body, as it is. I said aloud to wiffy:

I think my body is happy here.

And it felt a little strange to do that-- not throwing in the towel and giving up strange, but rather, realization of what I have, what I need, what I want strange.

I've had a fairly demanding week (or three) on the job, with a whole lot more on the way. The rides to and from work have been full of headwinds and crosswinds (which are really only headwinds on downers), and it's been physically tough. My body's gotten me through, thus far, with a few complaints from the lower back, but no major tantrums. I'm realizing the extent to which my build keeps me going, that my stamina may, in fact, come from my sturdiness.

Perhaps I'm not articulating this very well.

I feel like there's a balance to being. I've felt this before. In the quest to hit a certain "number," I can end up depleted. I don't eat enough to keep myself going, or I'm working against a place that my body needs to be, merely for the sake of my mind, and what number (be it a size or a weight) I think I want to "be."

So right now, I'm trying to pay attention to physical and physiological needs and cues-- what it means to maintain my level of exertion, to fuel that, and to take joy and pleasure in eating reasonably with occasional indulgences here and there.

I don't feel that I've said this as well as I could. But I'm starting to get a sense of body-contentment, like this may be a place where my mind and body can agree to stay...