in the mood
Last night, at dinner (some dijon/yogurt marinated chicken, fingerlings and steamed broccoli-- no wine for me, thanks!), L. and I were talking about how I'm really trying to change my behavior, and I was saying that it had been a hard day because after that lunch out with all my classmates, I really WANTED to eat crap, to do the FOOD AS CELEBRATION thing, and I didn't. Instead, I came home feeling a bit, well, unsatisfied, and got crabby, and had to face that. So I faced it, but I also managed to be a raging ass, implementing a spur-of-the-moment bit of spring cleaning, critiquing her shopping abilities, and god knows what else.
And so she said the following in all sincerity.
I think it would be better for you to eat cake than get bitchy with me.And it made me stop and think: would it be better? Maybe? No, maybe not. The better thing would be for me to change my perspective on all of this. To pay closer attention to my emotions (if I'm really hungry and need something, for god's sake, eat something). And the bit about spinning out and getting angry, well that's more collateral damage. She doesn't, in her moderate eating patterns, know what it means for me to eat cake. If done in the right context (mindful, balanced, purposeful) it's a beautiful thing. If done out of emptiness (emotional, social, just plain hungry) it's a dry fuck.
Who wants a dry fuck?
posted by Stine @ 7:13 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Oh my. leaving us with a dry fuck.
ow.
projection is hell. i am the queen of it. i learned to throw my shit in other people's faces early on in life. stinky, nasty, ugly shit. my father is the absolute master of this. owning his own emotional states is akin to setting himself on fire. sometimes i think of myself walking around with a literal projector on my shoulder and that projector is running two different reels, both of which contain images that capture my inner thoughts (what a terrible idea this is)--and the images, technicolor, black and white, they're sliding over people's faces and bodies and as they do, those poor souls are having to absorb the emotion behind the thoughts. i don't mean to subject these innocents to my pain in this way, but to stop the projector would mean that I would have to absorb all the pain myself. and some days there's just too much of it. i need help dissembling, burning, exorcising. but this is not apparent to the unknowing receivers of the projection. s. has learned to walk away when she knows the reels are spinning so fast that she can't even keep up with the story line, let alone understand the genesis of it. but i think this is another blog. so i'll stop rambling now.
how to be mindful and how to celebrate too? it's okay to celebrate, no?
m
yes, it's okay to celebrate. I would do well to celebrate more. Much of my (learned) identity has to do with being a bit of a martyr. I'm often proud of how little (be it food, money, etc.) I can get by on. these are good skills. I am ready for the apocolypse. As far as day to day, though, I'm often only surviving when I have the right to more. So that's part of the work. Not having a melt-down at the prospect of indulging a little. I want the conscious indulgence-- knowing it's not the end of the world. Guess it often comes down to trusting myself. I need to get back to that place of trusting myself implicitly.
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