weighing in/timeless flight

I'm always a little aghast when I step on the scale and see a gain. Sure, it's a little milder after a week where I know I've been way off-program, but even then, it's there. Now that aghastation, it's not so much at the number I see, but at my reaction to that number. I can't believe how I react to those three digits on the scale. It's bigger and more urgent and more powerful than my bank account balance. I mean the impact. Although sometimes my checking account balance is lower than my weight.

I can have a week where I've worked really hard, overcome any number of challenges and obstacles, gotten my exercise, achieved a really positive space and come to the conclusion that regardless of what the scale says, I'm living well and doing right by myself. And then I weigh in.

If the number doesn't serve as some reflection of how my week went, it's like the week never went at all. It's about authority-- more precisely, how I am allotting authority to the scale. The Tanita. That homely thing that I've demanded sit in plain view in the bathroom. My conscience, blinking. The Plank.

I give the authority to it, just as I've given the authority to countless other undeservers. Fact: the scale is a helpful, vital tool for weightloss. It does not, however, know all. So how can I measure a week in a way that will hold up to the scale?

First, I have to somehow take a little power from that thing. Maybe I can give it a wussy name? Perhaps I should decorate it? I also need to keep more tangible track of my achievements for the week-- a list, some sketches, maybe?

Getting back on track is hard. Trying to eat well feels like coming off drugs at first. I know it gets better, but I'm not fully there yet. Instead I'm in that hazy and somewhat resistant funk of feeling deprived. So maybe this week's gain is like getting no reward for all that struggle. You know me, I'm all for struggle, as long as there's a prize. Shallow, I know, but I've been in the Martyr Miles rewards program for years.

So I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on, and know that when I don't feel like it's such a struggle to eat right and exercise, a little gain is not this huge set back. It's just normal body stuff. And that's what it is this week. But when you're not treating yourself right, the body trust is hard to access, and then you can't see clearly. I mean I. I can't see clearly. It's just gonna take a while, but it will come back.