courting perspective

It's like the perfect storm, this battle I wage against the persistent bulge and my racing mind.

I've lost much of my focus these past few years, starting with my long bout with vestibular neuritis and its attendant woes, then dovetailing nicely into never ending sinus infection battles, decreased energy, wild mood swings, more frequent panic attacks and lots of self-medicating. It's been a joy.

All sarcasm aside, however, I'm working on turning this ship around. It feels somewhat desperate, this steering into a new sun, but absolutely necessary. I'm scared shitless of so many things: change being the big one; letting go of those things that have "worked" for me for so long, like seeing your children off to college, the letting go, the trusting that I can make it on my own without these crutches. To borrow a phrase: I have "an unquiet mind" that, until recently, I thought was just, well, me. I'm slowly beginning to understand that what I deemed "normal" (and I use that word with a big CAVEAT of nothing is really normal, but some things are more normal than others) isn't. One of the things I can point to is weight gain. I may drink more than I should (beer me!) but I'm not a huge drinker. Ingestion of the green is a major culprit, as I am a study in how THC excites the appetite and makes you feel hungry even if you've just eaten. Munchies are not above my pay grade. Nor is a degree of lax-ness, amotivational behavior, and downright petulance at the mere mention of someone wrenching my soft, green red-haired security blanket from me. "You have an atypical reaction to pot," says my therapist. This, apparently, points to the fact that I have more underlying chemical issues than I'd like to think. It's true--people who smoke before bed, or to "chill" pretty much confound me. I smoke for energy, or to calm myself the fuck down, whichever happens to be needed for the situation at hand. The notion of puffing before bed merely invites the surety that I will not fall asleep...I'll be spinning like a top, my mind whirring and turning and chewing...any actual rest is impossible.

I don't really know what it feels like to fall asleep on my own volition, without popping a benedryl or xanax or something else that congers dreamland. I don't like admitting that, but there it is. And I used to think it was "just the effects of not smoking/smoking weed" but now I know--or think I know--differently. I am cycling without wheels, riding a roller coaster without tracks.

The process to shift my perspective has begun. I need new walking shoes, and some new work out clothes, and I'm going to really TRY to write things down this week in turns of eating. Nothing is going to fall from the sky and force me to make these changes. I bet I've said that very thing many times before. I guess this time...well, this time, it feels like my very life depends on this shift and how I approach it, what I do with it, how I re-prioritize.

An end to the slog, perhaps. (I can only pray.)

keepin' at it

Watching the scale edge up two consecutive weeks can be a bit discouraging -- but so it goes. And honestly, this week it was surprising -- I'd exercised a lot, followed the plan, etc. But sometimes the body has its own agenda, and I'll do my best to honor that.

Ran into a friend yesterday at the shop and was enthused to learn that she's starting in on WW. I guess I'm happy when I find other food-obsessed individuals trying to find that right-relationship to it all. She's a food-professional, so we can feel each other's pain a bit. And share the things we know to do but don't necessarily want to do.

it's all gonna be
O.K.

falling into Fall

If the shortening days and cooling weather weren't enough- now that other thing-- the food thing. The I want something warm. The gimme a little bitta else. The could we make that a little heavier/firmer/fattier/more?

The question begged: what's the workaround?

"creatures of habit"

I am one of those people who cannot abide " " around things. I even belong to a group online that posts pix of signs or menus or various other means of communication in which people misuse quotation marks. I suppose, in some cases, it's a matter of making claims that aren't really true, i.e. "Best Taco in Colorado" is a mighty big claim, but if you put it in quotes, then the implication is that someone said this, one person maybe, or someone saw it in a vision. "Tell them," said the turban-wearing genie in said vision, "that you have the Best Taco in Colorado." In the dream, the budding restauranteur is afraid. "But I am told I cannot make that kind of statement, oh wise one," says the restauranteur. "OH YES YOU CAN!" booms the ethereal visitor. "Just put quotation marks around the statement!"

I could be wrong about this. It's the only explanation I can come up with to justify quotation mark abuse. Infractions that leave me yearning for a giant sharpie with a retractable pole that allows me to go out in the dark of night, vigilante style, and deface signs that use punctuation incorrectly. Just call me the PuncPoPo.

I bring all this up because of the title of this post. I am not, save for getting up at approx. the same time every morning, a creature of habit. In fact, when I hear those words, I cringe. The people I know for which this is a point of pride drive me a little batshit. They use phrases like "because that's just what I DO" as if there is no other option. There is great conviction held by creatures of habit...they've been doing it--whatever that may be--for so long that it is now written into their Code of Being. And it should most likely be written into your Code too, lest you catch nasty sidelong glances from your pals who need those bran flakes and that banana every morning or the world will FALL APART.

All flippant comments aside, I've been thinking on this whole habit thing. Granted, I'm speaking in gross generalizations, but still...I have a mental block about it. I equate it, often, with boring personalities and/or people who have absolutely no capacity to self-reflect or change up the status quo. Really, what I've determined is that I too possess some of these entrenched ways of doing things, but there's only a couple of them that would be deemed "good" for me. So, essentially, I've concluded that we're all creatures of habit to some extent; it's just that I can't seem to move my list from the "could/should probably do without" to the "great habits to get into" column.

I guess I don't want anyone to know what I'm up to next. Gotta keep things REAL,
y'know?

Or, damn this analysis, should this post be titled Excuse #3908216?

if it's not perfection

it's no big deal. yesterday was maybe a little less than stellar, foodwise. but I wrote it all down, did my calculations, and cut myself some slack. it wasn't the head in the sand variety of slack, but rather, the there, there, now type. a little pat and a push to move on. so I ate a few pieces of chocolate and some almond butter. the world will not stop spinning (as far as I can tell). I don't have/get to stop showing up. I can keep on keepin' on.

this is what it looks like

it's 5:50am and I'd rather not be up, but I go to my meeting on Saturday mornings. 6:30 weigh-in, half hour ride (if I push). Then the ride back into my world.

8.2 and counting.

bit by bit, really.